I changed the subject
I met Ashley when I was 14. We were freshman in high school and had fourth period dance together. She was new to the area, a bit more edgey then my story book friends and in a way mysterious. She was always very vague about her life, her family, everything. Even at 14 I knew she'd lived a rough life but she played it off so well as if past hurts hadn't inflicted her. I remember her laugh, it was so vivacious, it used to fill up the entire room. It was so full of life. I can still hear it. And her smile, it was so kind. She was so kind. Who would of thought 2 short years later while sitting in class I'd be informed that Ashley took her life?
When Ashley and I first became friends she'd made attempts to hang out outside of school. I always kindly blew her off with my lame excuses. My 14 year old self tended to steer clear of the unfamiliar. Regardless we still developed a pretty close friendship during dance class, which was practically sit in groups, talk and listen to your i pod class. Then after Christmas break I experienced the greatest pain of my life, losing my father. When I came back to school, during dance at least Ashley in a sense took care of me. She was a good friend to me. We'd always venture into deep conversations about life which one day led into a topic we hadn't discussed in detail much, faith. She had asked where my mom worked, I told her at our church and went on gushing about how awesome it was and I'll never forget her response, or the feeling I got in the pit of my stomach when she said she didn't really know about 'all the God stuff' and that she just didn't really believe in anything. Instant sadness overcame me. How lonely of life to not believe in really anything at all. To just be. To have no hope in something greater then yourself. When I look back I see this perfect opportunity I had with Ashley to share three little words that could have impacted her life forever, "Jesus loves you". Instead, I just let the moment pass. I changed the subject.
How many times do we change the subject to avoid making someone, including ourselves feel uncomfortable? We are called to do one thing and that's "to go and make disciples of all nations"Matthew 28:19.
At the time I found out Ashley had ended her life I hadn't talked to her in probably a year, she had transferred schools and we'd just lost touch. I was overwhelmed. I remember calling my mom and getting out of school because I just couldn't be there. All I felt was guilt. Hurt. Shame. Sadness. And that wasn't the end, about a month after Ashley's death, her mother decided to end her life as well. Guilt. Hurt. Shame. Sadness.
As years past and my relationship with Christ deepened it was almost as if Satan was throwing this situation in my face repeatedly. In a way I felt like I'd failed. All the 'what if's' constantly rang through my head. I should of just said it, what my heart was so burdened to say that day. Why couldn't I of just said it? What if God had placed me in Ashley's life to specifically make His name known? This went on for awhile. I carried the guilt of something that could not be undone, a guilt I was never meant to carry because it had already been carried for me on the cross.. until I forgave myself. That was it. I simply forgave myself. I accepted that what's done is done. God lifted every ounce of hurt regarding that situation off my shoulders. He free'd me from it. He broke the chains that bound me to the pain and even erased the scars it had left on my heart.
Now from time to time I remember Ashley. Her story is a reminder to me to never miss my opportunity. To never let the moment pass. To never change the subject. And mostly to share one thing, love.
When Ashley and I first became friends she'd made attempts to hang out outside of school. I always kindly blew her off with my lame excuses. My 14 year old self tended to steer clear of the unfamiliar. Regardless we still developed a pretty close friendship during dance class, which was practically sit in groups, talk and listen to your i pod class. Then after Christmas break I experienced the greatest pain of my life, losing my father. When I came back to school, during dance at least Ashley in a sense took care of me. She was a good friend to me. We'd always venture into deep conversations about life which one day led into a topic we hadn't discussed in detail much, faith. She had asked where my mom worked, I told her at our church and went on gushing about how awesome it was and I'll never forget her response, or the feeling I got in the pit of my stomach when she said she didn't really know about 'all the God stuff' and that she just didn't really believe in anything. Instant sadness overcame me. How lonely of life to not believe in really anything at all. To just be. To have no hope in something greater then yourself. When I look back I see this perfect opportunity I had with Ashley to share three little words that could have impacted her life forever, "Jesus loves you". Instead, I just let the moment pass. I changed the subject.
How many times do we change the subject to avoid making someone, including ourselves feel uncomfortable? We are called to do one thing and that's "to go and make disciples of all nations"Matthew 28:19.
At the time I found out Ashley had ended her life I hadn't talked to her in probably a year, she had transferred schools and we'd just lost touch. I was overwhelmed. I remember calling my mom and getting out of school because I just couldn't be there. All I felt was guilt. Hurt. Shame. Sadness. And that wasn't the end, about a month after Ashley's death, her mother decided to end her life as well. Guilt. Hurt. Shame. Sadness.
As years past and my relationship with Christ deepened it was almost as if Satan was throwing this situation in my face repeatedly. In a way I felt like I'd failed. All the 'what if's' constantly rang through my head. I should of just said it, what my heart was so burdened to say that day. Why couldn't I of just said it? What if God had placed me in Ashley's life to specifically make His name known? This went on for awhile. I carried the guilt of something that could not be undone, a guilt I was never meant to carry because it had already been carried for me on the cross.. until I forgave myself. That was it. I simply forgave myself. I accepted that what's done is done. God lifted every ounce of hurt regarding that situation off my shoulders. He free'd me from it. He broke the chains that bound me to the pain and even erased the scars it had left on my heart.
Now from time to time I remember Ashley. Her story is a reminder to me to never miss my opportunity. To never let the moment pass. To never change the subject. And mostly to share one thing, love.
This is an amazing story!! Like holy cow, girl, preach it!! You have the makings of a wonderful and beautiful gift: to reach the nations!!
ReplyDeleteGlad you wrote this. Love you.
ReplyDelete